Attachment: How Our Past Affects Our Present (part 1)

Attachment theory has enormous implications for our understanding of relationships and the variety of psychological problems we can experience.  Attachment theory was pioneered by John Bowlby. Bowlby was a British psychoanalyst during the 1930s who worked in a home for delinquent boys with
difficulties forming close emotional bonds with others. Bowlby noted that each child came from a home marked by chaos, neglect, and emotional deprivation. As a result of his investigations, Bowlby concluded that the need for a close, emotionally
supportive relationship with a primary caregiver is a basic human need on par with the need for food, water, and shelter [1].  This is the foundation of attachment theory.  In this article, I’ll consider several questions related to attachment including: What is attachment? How does it develop? What happens when things go wrong? And how does our attachment history continue to impact our adult relationships?

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What is attachment?

Attachment is a theory of human motivation that posits that humans are born with a fundamental need to develop and maintain an emotionally close and supportive relationship with a primary caregiver (an “attachment figure”). Attachment figures provide an emotionally supportive “secure base” from which we can confidently explore the world at large. They also provide a “safe haven” to which we may return for emotional refueling when faced with a threat or a sense of danger. Attachment relationships may be “secure” or “insecure.” Secure attachment characterizes a healthy relationship in which our attachment figure provided all the relational nutrients we needed to grow up and flourish as healthy adults. Insecure attachment characterizes an unhealthy relationship in which we grew up with unresponsive and inconsistently reliable attachment figures. Whether secure or insecure (or some combination of both), we develop unconscious mental models of relating to others as a result of our earliest experiences in these primary attachment relationships (see Thinking of the Unconscious as “Mental Maps”). These mental maps continue to influence our adult relationships in powerful ways.

How does attachment develop?

Our attachment patterns develop at a very early age. From the moment we’re born, we begin forming memories based on our experiences in the world. If things go well, we learn to expect a feeding when we feel hunger, to be changed when we feel wet, and to be picked up by a caregiver when we throw our arms in the air. When we have a secure attachment, we learn that our bids for attention will be responded to with loving kindness and reliable responsiveness. When our mother leaves, we feel secure knowing she will return shortly because she has always returned shortly after leaving in the past. We learn that we have agency, that what we feel and want matters and is good because someone is there who responds to our wants, needs, and desires. These are the building blocks for developing our sense of self-esteem.
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If things don’t go well, we may cry, cling, or frantically search for our absent parent in order to regain a connection. We will go to great lengths to either prevent being separated from or to reestablish closeness with our primary attachment figures. Since we all have an inborn need to attach, we adapt ourselves in an infinite variety of ways to maintain this vital sense of connection. Those behaviors that are acceptable to our caregiver we repeat because they promise continued reliable connection. Those that are unacceptable we eliminate since they lead to terrifying withdrawal. We develop a host of expectations and mental maps or templates of how others will treat us in relationships and how we are to treat others – all before we can say our first word.
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How does our attachment history continue to affect us?

Since our earliest experiences in relationships occur at a time that precedes our ability to use language, they are stored in the domains available to us during that period of development – our emotions and bodily sensations [2]. This is sometimes referred to as our implicit memory. For example, if we were frequently left alone for hours at a time as an infant because our mother was depressed, we may not be able to verbally recall the terror and panic we experienced when left alone. However, this doesn’t mean we don’t remember these frightening experiences. Their imprint on us might show up in ways we don't expect and can't understand or explain. Perhaps we find ourselves unable to be alone for very long without feeling "bored", needing to get something to drink or find something else to occupy our time in ways that feel compelled and driven.  

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​According to contemporary infant research and interpersonal neurobiology, verbal memories are stored in different areas of the brain than nonverbal memories [3]. Experiences of being alone as an adult can often trigger nonverbal memories of loneliness that have been stored in nonverbal areas of our brains. The terror or boredom or ache we felt when feeling unwanted aloneness in the past becomes resuscitated in the present.  When our adult partner tells us he or she will be leaving us alone for the weekend to go on a trip with friends, for instance, we may experience an overwhelming sense of sadness and isolation that doesn’t match the circumstances or doesn't seem to make sense. Although we may consciously know we are not being "abandoned" or "rejected" by our partner, our unconscious fears of being abandoned are resuscitated in response to current situations that mimic those of the past. We may not have verbal access to our feelings of panic and terror because they are related to past experiences of being abandoned that have been stored nonverbally. This is often why therapies that don't recognize the role of unconscious processes fail to address the source and deeply ingrained and repetitive nature of the problems we experience.

Our actions in the present, influenced as they are by our attachment histories, continue to perpetuate our past. When our old attachment fears of being left alone are triggered, we may lash out in anger or attempt to control our partner based on these underlying feelings. Since our attachment wounds of abandonment have been stirred, we may act to prevent the abandonment we anticipate by criticizing, demanding, trying to control, or withdrawing from our partner. In response, our partner may in fact stay away longer than anticipated, forget to call us while away, or get angry at us for being controlling – confirming our unconscious fears that we are unloved and will be left desperately alone.

Fortunately, that’s not the end of the story. Although we each develop strong attachment patterns, or unconscious mental maps/templates, that shape much of our behavior and activity within relationships, our attachment styles may be modified (under the right conditions). In the next article, I’ll discuss the different styles of attachment we can adopt, how each style causes particular problems in our lives today, and how our problematic attachment styles may be modified to live a life that is more rich, flourishing, and free. 
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References

[1] Bowlby, J. (1982). Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. London: Hogarth Press and the Institute of Psycho-Analysis. (Original work published 1969).

[2] Stern, D.N. (1985). The interpersonal world of the infant: A view from psychoanalysis and developmental psychology. New York: Basic Books.
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[3] Schore, A.N. (1994). Affect regulation and the origin of the self: The neurobiology of emotional development. Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum.

​About the author

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Tyson Davis, Psy.D. is a clinical psychologist and psychoanalyst at Glen Forest Psychological Services, LLC.  He specializes in helping individuals and couples dig deeper to make lasting transformation in their lives.  Tyson has a special interest in the study of personality development and psychoanalytic psychotherapy for individuals and couples. ​

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