Why Good Therapists Don’t Answer Questions

1/1/2024

“So where did we leave off last time?” a client recently asked at the start of the session. Having just read my note from the previous session, I had a very good idea of where we left off. I might have simply reminded him of our previous discussion, and we might have simply continued where we left off, seemingly making progress towards the goals of treatment. The problem is that things are rarely so simple…

What’s in a question?

People ask questions in therapy for all sorts of reasons. The reason I might not simply answer a question in a straightforward manner is because I don’t regard the question as a straightforward event. In fact, as a psychoanalyst, I don’t regard most of the problems my clients struggle with as “straightforward” problems. We are complex and intelligent beings, and the things we say in treatment - even the questions we ask - are the medium through which our very complexity is communicated. The conscious things we say are often motivated by unconscious thoughts and feelings we’re not aware of that need to be explored and better understood. From a psychoanalytic perspective, to simply answer questions, without considering the greater context within which they are asked and the potential meanings they might contain, is to fail to appreciate the immense complexity of the person in our offices.

Possible Meanings of Questions

There are numerous potential reasons why someone might be asking, “Where did we leave off last time?” For instance:

The person was discussing unimportant matters in the previous session. Since most people discuss important matters in their therapy, being unable to recall the previous session might be a clue they were not very interested in what they were discussing before. The reason for discussing unimportant things in therapy should then be explored and understood.
The person is trying to please the therapist. “If I can talk about what you think is important, you will be happy with me, and I can feel reassured you like me.” Seeking and obtaining reassurance from a therapist might feel good in the moment, but it can often be representative of the very problem for which the person is seeking treatment.
The person is afraid of the vulnerability and loss of control at not knowing what to talk about. “If I can ask questions, I can subtly direct the flow of the conversation and not risk the fear, humiliation, and lack of control I would otherwise experience if I were to speak freely whatever comes to mind.”
The person might be afraid of anger and confrontation. I’m afraid to begin because it might conflict with what you think is important and inch us towards a greater likelihood of conflict. I don’t want to risk the possibility of any confrontation that might ensue between us, so I adopt a stance of passivity and compliance to protect from this possibility at all costs.
The person doesn’t know their thoughts and feelings. It is impossible to begin a session if a person is out of touch with their own mental/bodily state. Asking questions then provides a means of starting but bypasses this critical facet of the person’s experience. Answering a question in this context similarly allows a person’s struggle to know their own thoughts and feelings and bodily states to go unseen and unaddressed.
The person is avoiding talking about other important matters. By asking about the previous session, the person subtly takes control of the dialogue in a manner that might aid avoidance of discussing other important things they are too afraid to discuss.
The person simply can’t remember. Sometimes, a cigar is just a cigar, and the person just simply forgot and would like to return to something that was important.

All of these possible reasons are why it is imperative to be curious when a client asks a question. Listening to and answering questions at face value often causes therapists to miss these underlying dynamics that then lay dormant only to surface in other ways. A psychoanalyst tends to hear most questions as statements the person is making that need to be better understood. When clients ask me where we left off last time, I often simply ask in reply: “Why do you ask?”

Back to the Question…

Back to my client at the beginning. When I asked why he was now asking where we left off, he acknowledged he was hoping to “buy time” since he was unsure what to talk about. I asked how it made him feel to not know what to talk about. He explained it made him very anxious and eventually confessed he tried numerous other strategies of allaying the strong anxiety he felt in sessions. We came to learn that his anxiety about speaking in sessions was very similar to his anxiety in social relationships and that he often superficially engaged in conversations with people that appeared meaningful. It was only later that he felt relieved to be alone and by himself when he no longer had to perform. This was how he had been feeling about talking in treatment, and we finally had the chance to discover its operation within our relationship - hiding in plain sight. This launched us into a much more meaningful discussion concerning his anxiety in relationships and what he does to fill in spaces that protect him from anxiety but that ultimately insulate him further from feeling deeply connected to others.

A Brief Disclaimer

Whether or not a therapist answers questions should, by no means, be considered some kind of “rule” or index by which to evaluate a good from a bad therapist. Additionally, many questions merit an answer. Questions like, "what's your theoretical orientation?" is an example of an excellent question to ask your therapist (read more about this important question here). Not answering certain questions can not only represent a defense on the part of the therapist, but may also be unethical. What I'm trying to illustrate instead is that there are many nuances contained in human interactions. Mining these nuances for the precious data they contain is a hallmark of a psychoanalytic approach to treatment, and this can have a major impact on helping people live lives that are more meaningful, loving, and authentic.

About the Author

Tyson Davis, Psy.D. is a clinical psychologist and psychoanalyst at Glen Forest Psychological Services, PLLC. He specializes in helping individuals and couples dig deeper to make lasting transformation in their lives. Tyson has a special interest in the study of personality development and psychoanalytic psychotherapy for individuals and couples.

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